I know, that my subject is not proper english...sorry all, but I liked the way it sounded...
Please forgive me now for the random thoughts you are about to read. I fear this post could be long and unconnected. You do not have to read this, however I like to think that there are many people out there who read my blog. I know I am only kidding myself but why think any differently? It makes it more fun.
Lately I have been learning a lot about peace, routine, and doing the same old thing everyday. I always considered myself a "homebody", I enjoy being in the comfort of my own home, with all that is familiar. But really Im not so sure that is me. Everyday I find myself wanting to do something new, something exciting. I think about all the places I could go and all the things I could see. I think about doing something and then I do it and I find myself thinking about something else that would be better. I think this is half bad, half good. I think it keeps me from falling into ruts, it keeps me thinking about life and what I want out of it. It helps me to constantly wrestle with what God is calling me to do and what America is telling me to do. It makes me think. On the other hand, it stops me from being content, it leaves me with a desire that I can't satiate. It stops me from enjoying the moment and ultimately it keeps me from being peaceful. I can't enjoy the peace the Lord has given me if I am always looking for something better and more exciting.
So, what have I learned from this? I have learned that I have to seek peace and quite. Did I write a blog about this before? Forgive me if I have, I guess it is a big deal to me right now. I am learning that going places and doing things is not what I seek. What I am always wanting more of, always desiring is to FEEL. I want to feel love, excitement, romance, peace, happiness, sadness or anything in between. God made us to feel deeply, and so we desire it. And sometimes it is hard to feel deeply about the same old routine. I think its why I love books, so I can feel the emotions of the story. I think this is normal and I think it plays out in everyones life differently. I think this constant drive to feel SOMETHING, ANYTHING is what gets people in trouble. A good desire gone bad. The need to feel loved leads to one-night stands and broken relationships, the need to feel excitement leads to new drugs and dangerous situations, the need to feel powerful or in control leads to violence and abuse. The need to feel beautiful or experience beauty can lead to all sorts of weird twisted forms of art. Sometimes I feel it is what America spends everyday doing. Seeking the need to FEEL something at the core of our being.
No one likes death or tragedy but often there is some odd sense of satisfaction when we are hurt and crying over something that really mattered. We feel death so deeply and it feels so right to mourn something, that big and at the core of who we are. Anyone with me? Or am I alone on this one? Its why we love weddings, and romance.
But is it possible that these emotions are good in the right place but ultimately should be found in God? I find that when I seek God and become vulnerable with Him I FEEL deeply. I am overwhelmed by love and gratitude for Him, I hurt at the core of who I am for the lost and the suffering, I feel total excitement when I think of what He could have in store for my life and I feel a deep sense of contentment and peace. God is what stirs these desires in my heart and I will only find ultimate satisfaction in Him. It won't be in a new restaurant, a new city, a new piece of art or a good book. It is in Him alone.
So, when I start to feel that ache for something other than this (whatever this may be) I need to pick up my bible and escape to a place of solitude. And when I do this I find my thirst quenched and my hunger for "something more" satiated. He is IT. Nothing else can fill the need and desire we have for Him in our life.